Why can it be so hard to talk to teenagers?
In my years of teaching high school and coaching parents and teens, I have heard some of the funniest analogies about talking to teenagers.
- Talking to teens is like walking a tightrope—one wrong move and you’re doomed.
- Talking to teens is like reading a book with half the pages missing.
- Talking to teens is like playing a game of telephone—what you say and what they hear is worlds apart.
Can anyone relate?
Why can it be so hard to talk to teenagers?
- First, conversations with teens, especially when they are struggling, are often emotionally loaded. So we end up speaking from the emotion, from the trigger, or from the place of upset rather than speaking from a place of love, calm and openness.
- Second, as parents, we often think we are “having conversations” with our teens but what we are really doing is one-sided… talking to them and expecting them to agree with us. We don’t come from a place of true curiosity about where they are and what they are feeling, we are just trying to get our point across, extend our authority over them, or win an argument.
- Lastly, we are often wholly unprepared for the conversation. Think about this: we would never have a difficult conversation with a boss without tons of preparation. Our children are likely much more important to us than a boss, so why don’t we prepare thoughtfully and thoroughly for conversations with our kids? We should think through what we want to say, how to say it in a way they can receive, and schedule the right time to have the conversation rather than in the heat of the moment, just like we would do at work. Yet, very few parents do this! Most have the hardest and most important conversations in the heat of the moment without any prior preparation.
So knowing all of this, how do we effectively communicate with our teenagers?
In addition to preparing for conversations and ensuring we listen rather than talk over our teens, here are four strategies I like to use:
The Tree. First, I like to imagine myself as a huge tree with deep roots. The wind and storms might whip at me but I barely sway. I am grounded for me and for my kids. Starting from an intentionally anchored place is key because then you are more likely to speak from that place rather than a turbulent place.
The Hot Potatoes. Second, I use a visual that the brilliant psychologist and best-selling author, Lisa Damour, coined. I imagine the big feelings, acute anger, heated emotions, wild narratives my kids dump on me are like hot potatoes that my teen literally cannot hold anymore so he or she must hand them off. Our teens often want to hand off their emotions because the emotions are too big for them to manage. If they can dump them like hot potatoes onto their parents, they can cool down a bit. They feel better knowing that we are now holding their stress and upset for them. If I can imagine myself taking the hot potato from them without freaking out about how hot it is or how uncomfortable it is to hold, but just taking it (taking those feelings, the anger, the stories from them), I can be less reactive and more helpful in the moment.
The Mirror. Third, I try not to mirror their emotions which is my instinct to do, as is common for many parents. When a kid comes at us super anxious about something we get super anxious with them, only escalating the anxiety. Also, when we mirror and escalate their negative feelings we convey that their feelings are scary and too much to handle, because we are not handling them. We would be much better off being the calm in their storm. If you can be calm and show them that their feelings are normal and acceptable and manageable, that you can handle them so they can too, it will deescalate the situation.
Hear, Help or Hug. Lastly, I suggest asking them this question, “do you want me to Hear, Help or Hug?” Hear meaning do they just want you to listen and take the hot potato from them – sometimes just venting makes them feel so much better. Or do they want you to Help meaning come up with a solution or a plan. Or lastly, do they just need a Hug and your love.
With these strategies, the tightrope of teenage communication will prove to be a little more steady.
Check out a longer interview on this subject that I did with TogetherlyParents.
